‘Almost’ all Aboard!
(Scene opens on an airport check in [or economically friendly version of an airport] People are queued up to be checked before going onto to the plane)
Airport worker: Could you come forward please? (checks man with metal detector, it beeps) Excuse me sir, but are you wearing any metal on you at all?
Man: Oh yes sorry, my belt buckle has metal in it.
Airport worker: I’m afraid we’re on high airport security alert at the moment sir, I’m going to have to ask you to leave your belt buckle behind.
Man: (disappointed) Oh. This was my favourite belt… But I suppose I can leave it.
(he gives the belt buckle to the worker glumly and walks away, a woman approaches to be checked, it also beeps.)
Airport worker: I am sorry madam but is that an umbrella that you have there?
Woman: yes, I needed it on the way over here.
Airport worker: I’m very sorry madam, but that can be deemed as a dangerous item on board an aircraft: ideal for giving somebody a good bashing… so you’ll have to leave it behind, I’m afraid.
(The woman sadly gives her umbrella to the worker and walks away, a petite looking woman comes up to be checked, obviously eager to be going on holiday; the machine doesn’t beep, the woman expects to be able to walk on but is stopped.)
Woman 2: Oh… is something wrong?
Airport Worker: I’m afraid I cannot let you travel today madam.
Woman 2: But… why? I haven’t set the alarm off- and I’m not carrying any metal or dangerous items!
Airport Worker: (sarcastically) I’m aware of that (holds up machine) it would have said. No it’s not metal that’s the issues. It’s your elbows.
Woman 2: My elbows?
Airport worker: yes. (grabs her arm and holds it out straight) see, very deceiving when holstered, but when brandished, (he bends her arm into an angle making her elbow stick out) this here is a dangerous weapon. You have very pointed joints. I’m afraid I simply can’t let you on with them.
Woman 2: But…. But… how can I possibly go on holiday without any elbows?!
Airport worker: That’s entirely up to you. But just think- you’ve had elbows all your life- but how many times have you been to Barcelona?
Woman 2: (sadly) None. And I don’t imagine I’d get to go again.
Airport worker: well. If sunbathing and margaritas in Barcelona aren’t worth a couple of elbows, I don’t know what is. Everyone knows the only people who need elbows are people who play the fiddle. (looks at her suspiciously) Are you a fiddler madam?
Woman 2: No!! Well… Ok. I suppose I can cope with no elbows…
Airport worker: (points to door) you need to go into the interrogation room where they will take them off for you.
Woman 2: Okay. Will I be back in time to board?
Airport worker: Absolutely. (woman goes to move past airport worker, who sticks his or her arm out) And whilst you’re there, you’d better ask them to take your kneecaps as well.
Woman 2: My kneecaps??
Airport worker: Yep. The lack of body fat around those knees means they are sharp enough to pierce some thin, frail, non important items. Or at least bruise. You’ve got to be cautious nowadays.
Woman 2: Well my elbows are one thing- but my kneecaps as well! That’s ridiculous!
Airport worker: Well if you leave them behind, you do qualify for disabled seating allowance and gain a square foot in legroom.
Woman 2: SOLD. (runs off).
[here endith the sketch]