The unexpected results of the EU Brexit referendum vote continue with an announcement that England is about to join the United States.
‘The people have given us a clear mandate to apply to join the United States,’ said Monty Fellowes, MP for Upper Bullingdon. ‘It is mere geographical accident that has placed Britain near France. There might be thousands of miles between us and the US, but to be part of the US is much more logical. Especially when you have an American wife as I do.’ When asked what exactly Britain would bring to the United States if it became the 51st state Fellowes thought for several minutes before claiming ‘The queen, and marmite.’
Campaigner Jack Goode hopes the deal will not materialise. ‘There are many obstacles to be overcome with England being part of the US. Not least of which is whether we would be able to continue calling pavements pavements, or whether we would have to call them sidewalks. We might also have to call trousers pants – and I have no idea what Americans call actual pants. Maybe they don’t wear them. I have also learnt a lot about the United States from TV and I know that everyone would have to carry a gun.’
Having messed up one international relationship the UK government is optimistic that the United States merger will go ahead. Negotiator Simon Dell says that the UK might even get to keep its name. ‘We could suggest that we take one word from the name of the United States – United – and one from the United Kingdom – Kingdom. So we could see the new country being renamed the United Kingdom.’
We are also told that if joining the US falls through, there is also a possibility that the UK could join the Eurasian Economic Union. ‘This will all work out superbly in the end,’ said one Leave campaigner who asked to remain anonymous (but is called Geoffrey Dickens and lives in Hemel Hempstead). ‘Instead of countries like France and Italy we will be trading partners with great nations such as Belarus, Kazakhstan and Russia.’ After a few drinks he added ‘There may be some immediate economic turmoil, but in seventy or eighty years we should see GDP back where it is today – as long as we have a lot of inflation, I’m not talking in real terms, obviously.’
Others see these options as unlikely and urge the UK government to use the situation to reform the EU and stay within it.
Leave a Reply