Reviewing a film that will never be made by Joe Smit.

As  time  passes,  the  word  ‘creative’  in  relation  to  film  has  started  to  become  a   fallacy  of  representation:  a  description  of  intent  rather  than  a  badge  of  ability.   Filmmakers  try  to  push  boundaries  with  the  technologies  they  use,  and,  I  must   admit,  often  show  ingenuity  in  their  methodology  –  in  Cave  of  Forgotten  Dreams,   Werner  ‘always-­?good-­?for-­?an-­?expensive-­?but-­?sublime-­?postmodern-­?statement’   Herzog  uses  stereoscopic  3D  as  a  medium  for  depicting  the  knowingly  dynamic   way  in  which  the  artists  of  the  Chauvet  caves  painted  their  subjects,  but  surely   you  can  see  my  point  encapsulated  within  that  description?  At  the  dawn  of  time,   early  man  painted  figures  on  cave  walls  in  such  a  way  that  the  physical  relief  of   the  geology,  adds  to  the  perceived  dynamism  of  paintings  once  considered  nai?ve   by  conceited  spreaders  of  gouache,  and  yet  now,  when  we  can  make  moving   pictures  for  distribution  to  the  full  gamut  of  humanity,  people  tend  to  coo  over   the  usage  of  optical  illusion  to  enhance  the  reality  of  our  entertainment.  Herzog   may  be  knowingly  playing  with  this  absurdity;  he  has  voiced  opposition  to  the   rapid  reliance  on  3D  in  entertainment  before,  especially  in  relation  to  the  mass   appeal  factor…  Actually  no,  while  he  did  utilise  the  process  for  a  reason,  it  wasn’t   as  deliberate  as  all  that;  but  I  digress,  look  up  some  interviews  when  you  get  a   minute.

Actually  my  problem,  or  ‘beef’  as  it  were,  is  with  storytelling:  I  can’t  remember   the  last  time  I  watched  a  movie  for  the  first  time  –  by  which  I  mean  that,  once   you’ve  reached  the  core  of  a  story  and  gone  right  to  the  simplicities  of   characterisation  as  they  are,  you  will  not  find  a  single  story  that  can  not  be   traced,  at  least  loosely,  to  a  previous  concept  but!  Before  you  go  into  an  internal   reverie  of  that  archetypal  studio  boss,  refusing  to  commission  a  film  because  ‘no   one  wants  to  see  a  film  where  the  boy  and  girl  don’t  get  together’;  I  actually   believe  that  the  real  reason  is  more  along  the  lines  that  we  have  mined   originality  dry.  Oh  there’s  minor  creativity  within  irony:  mixing  aspects  and   tropes  in  a  violent  clashing-­?pattern  to  jar  the  nerves  and  confuse  those  who   believe  in  the  laws  of  physics…  Fools.

Now,  I  do  like  cinema,  and  will  continue  to  love  it  as  a  medium,  but  that  love  is  as   one  who  loves  a  blanket  that  fades  and  stiffens  every  time  you  wash  it,  not  one   who  expects  their  pillow  to  become  a  hippopotamus.  But  how  much  I  long  to  see   that  unnamed  wonder!  It  must  be  out  there!  Oh  somebody  please,  minds   squandered  on  deepening  the  fields  of  astrophysics  could  be  broadening  the  field   of  entertainment  -­?  had  they  not  chosen  a  universally  respected  field  of  study   instead.  I  don’t  want  a  smaller  computer;  I  want  a  larger  library!  God  help  me  I   want  to  be  bored  of  something  other  than  love  and  war…  Maybe  parrots,  there   must  be  something  wonderful  in  those  beady  eyes  –  I’ll  watch  Rio  with  interest.

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Joe Smit is a 22 year-old trainee television producer best described as a polymath. When not fixing Oscilloscopes or pestering colour graders for apprenticeships, he tends to wander the bars of England getting strangers to change their ideologies for kicks.